Q: From Johnny
Hi Crotchety Coach! My name is Johnny and I have heard that you are the Super Guru of all training knowledge and I feel honored to ask and hopefully get my question answered by you kind Sir! I have been reading on the Internet about a secret program that could transform me from a 6 ft, 160 pound bean pole into a Brad Pitt look-alike with a bit more muscle. Have you heard about the Russian/Bulgarian Hybrid, Biosequential, Double-periodized, plyo-isometric protocol? And while I have you here, what are your thoughts on “Insanity”, P-90X and Cross-Fit?? Thank you in advance Coach, looking forward to your response!
A: CC
Whoa Johnny, whoa! If I were to charge by the question, you’d be indebted to me for life kid! But, since you heard correctly about the Crotchety Coach, I’ll humor you and the rest of the readers with the answer of all answers! My short answer is a resounding “NO”, I haven’t heard of this program! The first thing that comes to mind though is what a good colleague of mine said recently so I’ll quote him here, “It seems to me that we are now in the age of the over-educated, under-trained strength coach and trainer. This new breed owns and studies everything they can find on training to the point it has become too much for their brain to handle. They have totally fried their ability to think for themselves and use common sense in the development of strength programs. They have also developed the ability to take these concepts and package them into articles and seminars to make themselves appear as experts in the field, but the program still sucks!” You still with me Johnny? Hang in there kid, I’m just getting warmed up! Since when did the Russians and the Bulgarians ever get along so well that they would dare to put a program together and attach their names in the same sentence? These nations have competed against each other on the world platform for decades to prove outright who the strongest weightlifters on the planet are! I just pulled out my Colt 45 and shot a hole through this secret program Johnny, but I ain’t done yet kid! The rest of the jargon in this so-called secret program sounds like what a good friend of mine likes to call the “Fitness Guru Kit”. This is when some self-proclaimed fitness “gurus” and their “guru-speak”try to impress or confuse with the use of obscure terminology that probably has no valid meaning or relevance but sure goes a long way in hood-winking people into purchasing their secret programs for the low cost of $599 + free shipping! So Johnny, now that I’ve pulled out my Desert Eagle hand cannon, dismantled, disintegrated and utterly destroyed the very essence of this so-called secret program, let me get you on the right track kiddo! Forget about secret programs, forget about purchasing programs on the Internet and for God’s sake forget about Brad Pitt! And although finding a good coach these days is kind of like the secret program I just shredded (they all suck), there are sources out there that will go a long way to helping you achieve your goals kid! If you promise to pull your head out, I’ll let you contact me off line for more details. As for the other programs, good hell, the first one says it all, it’s “INSANE”! The second one sounds like the name of an experimental gun and should shoot itself! And finally the last one, sounds like a cult to me, stay away from cults Johnny!
Crotchety Coach signing off for now!
Oh and Johnny, when you are training for speed, make sure you get enough rest in between sprints. You can't train for speed when your running slow from being too tired. Give yourself at least one minute when you sprint past 10-yards. Chew on that for now kid!
